My Yom Kippur Viduy.

(Not in alphabetical order)

My sins:
I have been unfair.
I have wronged.
I have cried.
I have done nothing when I should have been doing everything.
I have allowed depression to swallow me whole instead of getting help.
I have shrunk back instead of standing up for myself.
I have watched television instead of doing housework.
I have avoided sub jobs.
I have avoided the people I love.
I have been scared of putting myself back out into a working world I found so hostile.
I have been allowing myself to become completely defined by the failures I have had instead of the good that I embody.
I have been wrong.
I have been emotionally needy.
I have been very bad at eating better and losing weight.
I have held onto anger I should have let go long before now.
I have asked for apologies instead of giving them.

I have avoided calling my biological father because of my anger with him.
I have stopped going to synagogue even though I miss it terribly.
I have doubted G-D.
I have often lost faith.
I have leaned on my husband for comfort when I should have been giving him the comfort he deserves.
I have been hiding in my pain (and through Facebook); minimizing my interactions while still attempting to stay present.
I have eaten on Yom Kippur.
I have been lazy.
I have mostly stopped writing.
I have been so, so lost.
I have been a bad Jew.
I have been a bad friend.
I am not a bad person, but I could be better.
I have the power to shake off this shadow of sad this year has mired me in.
Let this coming year be the year I make the effort to do so.

For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us.

My positive accomplishments:

I have loved, completely with every fiber of my being.
I have done everything I could to become a mother (and will continue to try).
I have tried to be a good wife to my wonderful husband.
I have lent an ear to friends in need.
I have provided a happy, safe, loving home for my kitty boys Mazel & Tov.
I have practiced compassion.
I have been a part of social activism.

I have stood up for those who have been oppressed and always will.

I have visited with my father even though I often don’t understand him.
I have forced myself to do some writing.
I have fought for myself.
I have pushed myself to exercise more.
I have been politically active.
I have tried to connect to G-D again.
I have been there for my family.
I gave my heart to Scotland and never looked back.
I tried to stay positive.
I have tried to be open and honest.
I have fought the darkness.
I have taken sub jobs I really didn’t want.
I have searched endlessly for better work.
I have hugged the people I loved.
I have been creative.
I have been kind.
I have traveled and will continue to do so.
I have shared my heart with the people I love.
I have made amends.
I have walked to clear my head.
I have cleaned and I have cleansed.
I have made people laugh and smile.
I have embraced the dreams I covet.
I appreciate to infinity (and beyond!) the love my support system has given me during my infertility struggle.
I have made new friends.
I have been as true to myself as I can be.

When I have worked I put my all into every job I did.
I have donated to animal rights causes and advocated for them.
I have been brave.
I have been stronger than I
thought I could be.
I have made the effort to grow and change.
I have been a good daughter.
I have not, nor will I ever give up, my goal of a quiet, peaceful, happy existence, and to be a good person.

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